Sometimes, it's just hard...

We're headed back to court on June 1 after a disappointing court date on May 21. There were some snags, there were some misunderstandings, and there were some... well, it's the court system. Sometimes, it's just hard...

I've never questioned whether or not we were doing the right thing. In all honesty, I know the boys are here because God wants them here, and I feel very at peace with the fact that Cash will remain here, but sometimes I wonder why all of the steps are necessary. I know it's a process, and I know that this is just the way it works. Sometimes, it's just hard...

I know God began preparing me for this journey early on. He put so many people in my life who have been an amazing support system for me throughout this quest. He also planted seeds early on, seeds of questioning the way that families could be built... did you know that I wrote a paper for my 3rd grade GT class entitled Nature Vs. Nurture? I went around and asked all of the teachers which "camp" they believed more strongly in when it came to specific traits of a child. I know that it's not a coincidence that many of the families I babysat for when I was younger were families built by adoption. Even with all these things, with all these "signs." Sometimes, it's just hard...

Sometimes, to make it less hard, I would like to lash out - lash out at the people who hurt my boys and continue to not see what's best for them. Lash out for the fact that they are selfish and want to do what's best for them, what looks better or what sounds like more fun at the time. I hurt for the pain my boys will feel when they finally see their court records and realize that the reason they don't have a relationship with their birthparents is because they didn't want it. Because, even though they fought like heck to make our lives difficult and have the visits put in the agreement, they aren't planning on coming. Sometimes, it's just hard...

But, in the midst of all of this, I am so blessed and honored to be raising my boys. I feel so privileged to be the one that gets their sweet kisses and hugs every morning and to see each milestone as it comes. There is a phrase that is often thrown around in foster-to-adopt circles, "raising other people's children." For some reason, this has always rubbed me the wrong way - I'm raising my kids, yes there are a different set of circumstances that brought them to me, but I can say wholeheartedly that there is no difference in my love for the kids, or my complete exhaustion from them at the end of the day.

Speaking of raising my kids (and making a really bad attempt at changing the subject to a much brighter note), I've found that there must be much more to the nurture side of parenting than the nature side, as there are many, many ways that my children are all the same. The most recent discovery? The beach!

We all had a blast at the beach and have some amazing photos to prove it. I promise to get them uploaded soon - when I find time away from all of my busy nurturing that is. Always something to look forward to around here...