Be Strong and Courageous, Do Not Be Afraid

The boys have been memorizing Deuteronomy 31:6. I've mentioned it before, but our church uses a great curriculum to really lock God's word into the kids and make it applicable in their daily lives. Cash struggles with fear and this verse is a great one for him. For Stone, it is a reminder that he can do anything and that God made him special. They are really running with it....

But, I wonder if God is using the verse to speak to me too. Sometimes, I'm not so strong and courageous, and I always try to handle things myself. I know I would get a lot farther if I placed all of my trust in the Lord, but it's a hard one for me....

Last week, we had the boys parent/teacher conferences. Cash is flying through his speech program and ready to move on to a regular school. We are so excited with his progress and so thankful for a school that does so much to help kids move forward. It's been a huge blessing!

Before the conference, Heath and I sat down and spoke about some questions we had for the school director. Most notably, what our plan of action should be for Stone once he starts kindergarten. It was agreed at the meeting (by the school director, Heath and I) that Stone would not do well in a typical, public school kindergarten class. It's a decision I know is right, but it was a hard one to make. Right now, Stone's greatest asset is his self-confidence, and we're afraid we might lose that in a public school setting. He needs a smaller class, more one-on-one, and therapists that can work with him on a daily basis.

This was not my plan, but I have to learn to be strong and courageous. I know that God will open up doors for us, I know that what's best for my son will be realized, but I liked my plan better. You know, the plan where we got all caught up and headed off Kindergarten ready? That was MY plan...

Every single thing God has placed in my life has become a blessing, even the things that I thought were curses (infertility, anyone?), so I trust Him, that this is a part of His plan and I know that it will be used for His glory. I just have to be strong and courageous.... but I'd be lying to you if I told you I'm not afraid.

Afraid of the costs, afraid of the future, afraid of trying to tackle two car pool lines, afraid of not being able to stay home anymore, just generally afraid of the unknown.

After our conference - and some speaking with Stone's other therapists - we've decided to also run a few more tests. First up is an audiology screen, and secondly we're going to meet with a pediatric neurologist. We want to look into the possibility that Stone might have suffered a brain injury before he came to live with us. He was, of course, abused, so this isn't a far stretch. We did some testing when we first got him to look for brain swelling, but we didn't push it any further. Now, we really need to make sure we're treating the right thing.

I'm scared...

Not because this changes who my son is - even if it did, it wouldn't matter - the truth is, we're dealing with whatever is "wrong" already. This discovery might even open up some new doors for him. I'm more scared of the idea that someone could have done this to my son. And I'm most scared of how he's going to handle it as he gets older. How do you ever work through the pain of knowing that your birth mother hurt you, or allowed someone to hurt you. I've always struggled with this, but it's been brought to the forefront again.

Motherhood is a journey, a walk that I'm so glad I have someone in my corner to support me through. I'm so thankful for grace, for understanding, and for God placing me within a circle of friends who know just how to support me when the going gets rough. I know God knew what he was doing when he put my family together, and, while I don't always like it, I trust that His plan for our lives is perfect.