January 19, 2011

Judged

Today I felt judged. It's not a totally unique feeling to me, often I feel as if people are judging Stone's behavior and my reactions to it. I've learned to move forward from that. In all honesty it still affects me, but I've learned to live with it and accept that knowledge of kids on the spectrum is slim, so people just don't understand. Today I felt judged for my behavior alone and it left me with some convicting thoughts.

Here's the scenario:

Cash had a fever last night. I can't figure out why, but he did. Today was his and Holden's mother's day out day, and I didn't take him. He hadn't been fever free for 24 hours, and I didn't know exactly what "it" was, and I didn't want anyone else to get sick. But, since Holden wasn't sick I wanted him to be able to have his regularly scheduled day, so I left Cash and Stone in their PJs and dressed Holden and we hopped in the car to school to drop Holden off.

On the way I called a friend who also has a child at the school to enlist a bit of help. I explained my situation and asked if she would mind watching my parked car for me while I ran in to drop Holden off. She didn't mind, so that's what we did. I parked right close to the school door (which we aren't supposed to do), left my car running with the big boys strapped in, and ran Holden in while she watched from the school door.

Then it happened.

I was walking out and a mom that I didn't know (which is weird because it's such a small school) says to another mom walking out...

"See, there's someone parked there today. I hate when people think they don't have to follow the rules. Who do they think they are? And look! She even left it running! How dangerous!"

Ouch.

I wanted to explain my situation. I wanted to say, "I'm a rule follower! I really am! It's just that, I have a sick kid-o and...."

And then it hit me. How often had I done the exact same thing? How often have I judged and not asked if I could help instead? How often have I said almost the exact same thing, either to myself or actually out loud?

It's often, I'll be honest. But today, for some reason, I actually felt the other side. And, ouch.

6 comments:

Jenna said...

I agree completely. I had a similar experience over a banana at the grocery store!

Jenna said...

oh...and don't' worry (I don't know the phrase "on the spectrum"), so I apologize, but on the spectrum or not, everyone feels judged based on their kids behavior and a mother's reaction to it. No mother hasn't felt that.

Anna said...

Ugh! Not a good way to start off the morning. You know it's funny, I saw someone parked close to the school (cant remember if it was before or after...) Did I really not recognize you? Anyway, for the record, I just thought, oh, that's cool, one of the teachers has kids who go here!

But I know what you mean. I've found that moms are the judgiest people I know. I really think it stems from the fact that we are judging ourselves... so afraid that we're not doing the right thing that we judge others for what they do differently.

Lindsey said...

Ugh, feeling judged is no fun. And for you to come away from it more compassionate to others is just a true show of your amazing character. Most other people would just be mad the rest of the day :) You truly inspire me!

Jennie said...

Ohh Mama - you're okay! Don’t worry! We still LOVE you!!! And by the way, you ARE a rule follower - you did exactly the right thing!!!

Dawn said...

Wow! We are all probably guilty of the same thing. It's great that you recognized it.

I'm not sure I could have helped not explaining. I need to work on just being quiet. Ha!

Great post.