June 25, 2010

An ambulance and a few tears

An ambulance drove past me today, lights flashing, sirens blaring, and as I pulled to the curb to let it by, I lost it.  It really took me a minute to figure it out.  But then it hit me - this still affects me.

The first seizure was the scariest because I didn't know what was happening.  In all honesty, I was okay with the shaking, I understood that part.  He had a fever, he had a seizure, it was scary, but I understood it.  I had them when I was little and I'm still here with no lasting effects.  The problem was, after Holden seized, he passed out.  I was not okay with that and didn't know what was happening.  His eyes rolled back in his head and he went limp.  I couldn't hear him breathing and I remember yelling at Heath to tell the 911 operator that he wasn't breathing or responding to me.

Then the ambulance.  It was a few days after Christmas and I know those firefighters did not want to respond to the call for a non-responsive, non-breathing child.  But they did,they had to.  I handed Holden over, and the firefighter looked up at me and told me that he was breathing.  I don't know why I didn't faint.

Subsequent seizures led to more tests, which led to Holden looking like this...

In the end, everyone involved (pediatrician, neurologist, radiologist) agreed that we would wait and see if they passed before his 5th birthday, as the majority of febrile seizures do. For now, Holden seems to be doing great.  He hasn't had a seizure in months, most likely due to the warmer weather and less sickness going around.  But that first seizure, that first ambulance ride, must still be affecting me, and I didn't realize that until today.


Anna said...

Aww, I teared up just reading that! Such a scary thing to feel so helpless when our baby needs us. Times like that (later) remind me of how much God loves us. If I can love Adam so intensely and be so devastated when he is hurting, how much more does God love us? Praying for NO MORE seizures!

TeamBortzfield said...

My Mom always prayed with us in the car whenever we passed an ambulance. For the people in it and for the ones who had to call it. It's a great tradition I will continue.
Glad you could recognize your feelings and express them beautifully.

Allison said...

I'm a mum of 3 little boys as well. Two of mine have febrile seizures. The 3 year old has had six which usually last over 30 minutes. One of my 18-month-old twins has had two febrile seizures, but thankfully they each lasted less than 10 minutes. It's truly awful to see your baby like that. And I too get a sinking feeling in my stomach when I see an ambulance now. I pray none of them has another seizure, and I'll pray the same for yours.

ModistaModesta said...

What a trying event. I know from experience that during the events we don't absorb them we just do what needs to be done in order to survive them, it is only later that you have time to feel what was going on. Don't forget to take some time and absorb the feelings and then let them go so they don't haunt you.

Keeping you and yours in my prayers.

BTW - found you from your post on the Blog Frog 4th Challenge.