An ambulance and a few tears

An ambulance drove past me today, lights flashing, sirens blaring, and as I pulled to the curb to let it by, I lost it.  It really took me a minute to figure it out.  But then it hit me - this still affects me.

The first seizure was the scariest because I didn't know what was happening.  In all honesty, I was okay with the shaking, I understood that part.  He had a fever, he had a seizure, it was scary, but I understood it.  I had them when I was little and I'm still here with no lasting effects.  The problem was, after Holden seized, he passed out.  I was not okay with that and didn't know what was happening.  His eyes rolled back in his head and he went limp.  I couldn't hear him breathing and I remember yelling at Heath to tell the 911 operator that he wasn't breathing or responding to me.

Then the ambulance.  It was a few days after Christmas and I know those firefighters did not want to respond to the call for a non-responsive, non-breathing child.  But they did,they had to.  I handed Holden over, and the firefighter looked up at me and told me that he was breathing.  I don't know why I didn't faint.

Subsequent seizures led to more tests, which led to Holden looking like this...

In the end, everyone involved (pediatrician, neurologist, radiologist) agreed that we would wait and see if they passed before his 5th birthday, as the majority of febrile seizures do. For now, Holden seems to be doing great.  He hasn't had a seizure in months, most likely due to the warmer weather and less sickness going around.  But that first seizure, that first ambulance ride, must still be affecting me, and I didn't realize that until today.